Getting Support Doing IVF

A Matter Of Counselling

Yesterday my nurse rang me to tell me the bad news that I already knew. My 5th IVF attempt was unsuccessful. I bombarded her with questions. Should I change Doctors, should I try Day 3 embryos instead of Day 5? Should I do this? Should I do that? In the process of asking questions, I burst into tears.

She was very understanding and asked me if I felt I needed to see a counsellor. I didn't know. I had mixed feelings about it when she asked. I am a strong person. I think I am coping fine but the last time and this time have hit me harder than the other times. Maybe I do need to see a counsellor. The thing is that I am grieving for someone that hasn't happened. No one has died. I know this makes it difficult for people to understand. But maybe I am grieving for the loss of hope or my dream of becoming a parent. Each failure brings this growing realisation that maybe my plans for parenthood are never to be. No - I am not giving up on IVF. I will persevere although I don't know for how long. What I do know is that each failure pushes you in this direction.

With some doubts, I agree to speak to a counsellor and I expect to hear from them next week. However, the Counsellor rang late Friday afternoon to arrange a time. This is happening too quickly but as it turns out, it is not. All Saturday appointments are booked out and the next available weekday appointment is Friday week in the afternoon. I check my work diary and there is a meeting organised. I decide there and then that I don't need to be there. I think I should accept the appointment. I think it is also in the interests of my employer that they have happy people working for them so will discuss this with my Manager when I return to work on Monday.

Oh and what were the answers to my questions. Now that's a long story and I am going to save that one for another day. Stay tuned.

How to Give Support

What Not to Say to Someone Undergoing IVF Treatment

IVF is unpredictable. My Doctor thinks I should be pregnant by now. This makes me feel a whole lot better. Not! The problem with IVF is that the more times you do it, the harder it gets. I am not exactly sure why but I think that statistically the majority of women get pregnant from IVF after 6-7 stimulated cycles. I have now done 5 stimulated cycles and two transfers and I've had no luck. This weight of expectation does not help.

The more you go on, the more there is an expectation that your turn is due. But IVF is never that simple. It makes it hard also for friends and family to understand what we are going through. Often people will say, don't give up. Keep trying. This is probably one of the worse things people can say.

They need to understand that when you get to the point of doing IVF you have already exhausted all other options - there is already a history of failed natural attempts. IVF gets harder the more times you do it. Apart from the money invested with nothing to show, there is also the physical demands on your body and living a life that has become less social and centred around your menstrual cycle and when and what drugs you are going to take. Life to some extent is on hold. You stay in a job with a manager who is critical and treats you badly because you need stability, you need your job to pay for IVF and you want to be eligible for maternity leave in the event you actually get pregnant.

There is also the fact that you are starting to reach a point where you feel you have no control over your body. It feels like your uterus is destined to become a graveyard.

The fact is that there is nothing anyone can say to their friend. Make it clear you are there for them if they need you but don't push it. All they can be is a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. Because as time goes on, that shoulder is most definitely needed.

Bring Out the Bottle Again

Confirming IVF Failure

Just as I suspected. I am not pregnant. Another failed IVF cycle. Get me a drink now. A bottle of red or 3 will do nicely thanks.

Whilst my tell-tale breasts gave it all away, my sneaky suspicion was reinforced last night when giving myself a dose of Crinone gel. That suspicion was also confirmed at a visit to ladies room around lunch time today.

It's hard to believe that one could inspect toilet paper so thoroughly!!! Scouring through the folds to see if a flash of red has started to appear. Creepy I know but something any woman I know who hopes to get pregnant has done.

Another failed round of IVF. The last cycle was much more upsetting. After so many failures the expectation of pregnancy diminishes but the hope somehow gets stronger. Surely my turn will come. IVF is a numbers game - hopefully the more times you throw one in, eventually your odds come up. To add insult to the wound, I also have to sit through yet another blood test tomorrow to tell me what I already know. BFN (Big Fat Negative - for the uninitiated).

Expecting a week of intermittent tears. Interested friends - happy for you to make comments on this blog but please don't ask any questions or offer any condolences if seeing me in a public venue - it brings up too much emotion. Me thinks I deserve a red.

Perhaps this is an idea for tomorrow's blog - how friends can handle their fragile friends who are undergoing IVF. Now - where was that red. One glass will do fine given I have not had a drink in ages!!!!

IVF On A Rollercoaster

Unpredictable Nature of IVF

A positive situation from yesterday has turned out to be not so positive today. Of the 13 embryos that we had yesterday, none survived!!! None. Not even the one that made it to early blastocyst stage. It is terrible. No fall backs. Nothing. Such is the unpredictable nature of IVF.

All our hopes are pinned on the one that was transferred yesterday. It is not a good situation to be in. If this one fails, then we know we are potentially going to face yet another cycle of IVF. I am not sure when a stopping point comes but sooner or later it has got to happen.

Embryo Transfer Moments

An Embarrassing Incident At The IVF Clinic

Wow. What a day. One expanding blastocyst transferred. One early blastocyst in the making. And drumroll please .... hopefully at least one more blastocyst to come.

The transfer itself went smoothly. The only hiccup was when I went to go to the toilet to empty my bladder and found that someone was already in the toilet.

That's right. The occupant forgot to lock the door. I don't know who was more surprised, the occupant for being sprung or me for finding this woman standing up over the toilet facing the door. The mind boggles. Not how I would use the toilet anyway.

Now my only perplexing thing is that the embryologist told me that there were still 13 embryos going along. You may recall that yesterday my nurse told me that there was 11 with 3 not looking so good. I sure hope they get their stories straight when I ring up tomorrow afternoon to find out the final outcome.

Some other random thoughts about the day and why you know you have done IVF too many times:

- When the admission nurses all greet you by your first name without looking at your file.
- When the Doctor asks you if you would mind if a student watches your transfer and you ungratefully say that's ok but with an attitude that sounds like an imposition.
- You vow to say no to the student next time because news flash! It is an imposition. You don't want any more people looking at your girlie bits even if it means annoying the doctor who is helping put the embryo inside you.
- You start becoming less amazed with the science of it all and more impatient for a result
- You start telling people not to ask you any more questions about how your IVF is going because you know if there is a failed result this time, you will be devastated and "tear up" at the drop of the hat

Frustrations of IVF

The Challenges of IVF

After 6 attempts at IVF, I have learnt that again I was not successful in getting pregnant. I was devastated and have had random moments of tears since that discovery.

I never thought that this week would be so hard. I am starting to learn that the the more you go down the IVF path, the harder it actually gets. I have now done 4 IVF stimulated cycles and 2 Frozen Embryo Transfers.

For my part, the disappointment stems from an unbelievable sense of loss. It feels like my dreams of becoming a parent will never materialize. My biological clock is ticking and my body is against me.

The difference with IVF compared to natural attempts at conception is the knowledge that an embryo has been implanted. What I mean is that you know an embryo is there and fertilisation has taken place. With this knowledge comes the hope that this time might be the lucky time. The disappointing thing, is that I now know that it isn't. I now have a history of two years of infertility and am contemplating doing another stimulated IVF cycle.

I am also surprised to learn new things about myself and depth of my emotions on the topic. I never thought this possible, but I am am surprised to learn that I would be a person who has been:

• Happy but angry that a friend would conceive after 1 IVF stimulated cycle and 1 Frozen Embryo Transfer.
• Reduced to tears when shopping for baby clothes at Target for a friend who recently gave birth because I am wondering if I will ever shop for clothes for my own baby.
• Cynical (funny cause I've always been thought of as naive).

These are feelings that I would not normally have. I am even more devastated as we have going for top of the range blastocysts which according to my fertility specialist apparently has a better success rate than Day 3 embryos. I don't know how true this is - just look at what happened to my friend. What I do think however is that Day 5 embryos have a better chance of lining his pocket. Maybe that is the new "cynical' side of me coming out.

I hope that by writing this blog, I will then be able to help people understand more about IVF and the pressure that they or someone close to might go through if they go down this path. Whilst most IVF clinics explain about IVF from a technical viewpoint I believe that improvement could be made in helping couples understand the full ramifications of IVF. IVF is not the be all and end all. At best it offers people more hope and the potential to have children but it is by no means guaranteed.

In the meantime, my hats and commendations are for the women who have gone through far more cycles that I and who have had the courage to continue on. My commendations are also for the men who stood with them, all the while knowing how interfering IVF can be with your sex life and emotions.

In future blogs I intend to cover off what it is like going through a stimulated IVF cycle.