What Biological Clock at 40

Back on Board for IVF at 40

Call me ignorant but after months of worrying about not being about to get pregnant before the age of 40, I am not worried anymore.

A sure sign of this is that after months of procastinating with the Police Record Check forms so I can start IVF, I have finally sent my form in complete with cheque. Somehow I don't think I will be getting it back in time for the 1st September deadline when the new laws take effect.

Apart from the fact that my husband's form has not been sent in yet, I imagine there will be a backlog of applications from the late rush of couples who have also submitted their forms. Obviously, holding off like me in the hope that they won't have to do another round of IVF. In any case, I guess it means we might start the next round a little later.

It's strange but I am less perturbed by the later start this time. In the past, I have pushed my body so hard, doing IVF with only a month break in between cycles. Once, I did a cycle back to back with no break. Now that was hard. All of my attempts, of course, have been done in my futile attempt to racie against my biological clock.

But the truth is, I will be turning 40 at the end of September. I am already in the statistically significant, lower end of the IVF success bracket. A delay of one month is hardly going to make a big difference. I think my body also needs a break to get back to its natural rhythm. The scary thing is that I've been doing this so frequently that I don't even know what my natural rhythm is.

Apart, from that IVF is hard - I am in no rush to start again only to get another negative result. I need emotional space to come to terms with the last seven failed attempts. Maybe my birthday this year will not be about trying to conceive - maybe it will be about relaxing and enjoying myself. Now that would be a nice change.

Day 4 - Fertilization Update

IVF Fertilization Success Rates

There are now 11 surviving embryos. Of these, 8 look good and 3 don't look so good. If we get 8 blastocysts tomorrow that would be fantastic but maybe it's a touch unrealistic.

Today is the first day since egg collection that I feel remotely normal. My tummy is still a bit bloated but the pain has gone. I can walk normally instead of being bent over like an old woman.

In any case, I am booked into admission at the clinic for 7.45am. Bugger - no sleep in. The big transfer happens at 8.30am and then I am off to work. Lucky work is only 15 minutes away from the clinic so I reckon I will only be half an hour late.

I've told my manager and she has been pretty good about it, even offering for me to work from home if I want to. I am not sure if it will help, I work in an office so nothing I do at work is ever strenuous on my body (maybe my mind but that is another story).

It is hard to know what to do. Believe it or not, there is a meeting at work I want to go to. Besides, I've tried taking time off to rest and I have also tried working after a transfer. Neither options have worked. I guess there is no right or wrong thing to do. I think it can happen either way - just depends on the quality of the embryo.

A lady at work got pregnant at 43 on IVF and she had her transfer when she was in the middle of some high level negotiations with a leading retailer. So it just goes to show that it doesn't necessarily matter.

Anyway, the woman in question has now gone on maternity leave and I arrived at work today to find out that she had a little baby boy. I am very happy for her.

Frustrations of IVF

The Challenges of IVF

After 6 attempts at IVF, I have learnt that again I was not successful in getting pregnant. I was devastated and have had random moments of tears since that discovery.

I never thought that this week would be so hard. I am starting to learn that the the more you go down the IVF path, the harder it actually gets. I have now done 4 IVF stimulated cycles and 2 Frozen Embryo Transfers.

For my part, the disappointment stems from an unbelievable sense of loss. It feels like my dreams of becoming a parent will never materialize. My biological clock is ticking and my body is against me.

The difference with IVF compared to natural attempts at conception is the knowledge that an embryo has been implanted. What I mean is that you know an embryo is there and fertilisation has taken place. With this knowledge comes the hope that this time might be the lucky time. The disappointing thing, is that I now know that it isn't. I now have a history of two years of infertility and am contemplating doing another stimulated IVF cycle.

I am also surprised to learn new things about myself and depth of my emotions on the topic. I never thought this possible, but I am am surprised to learn that I would be a person who has been:

• Happy but angry that a friend would conceive after 1 IVF stimulated cycle and 1 Frozen Embryo Transfer.
• Reduced to tears when shopping for baby clothes at Target for a friend who recently gave birth because I am wondering if I will ever shop for clothes for my own baby.
• Cynical (funny cause I've always been thought of as naive).

These are feelings that I would not normally have. I am even more devastated as we have going for top of the range blastocysts which according to my fertility specialist apparently has a better success rate than Day 3 embryos. I don't know how true this is - just look at what happened to my friend. What I do think however is that Day 5 embryos have a better chance of lining his pocket. Maybe that is the new "cynical' side of me coming out.

I hope that by writing this blog, I will then be able to help people understand more about IVF and the pressure that they or someone close to might go through if they go down this path. Whilst most IVF clinics explain about IVF from a technical viewpoint I believe that improvement could be made in helping couples understand the full ramifications of IVF. IVF is not the be all and end all. At best it offers people more hope and the potential to have children but it is by no means guaranteed.

In the meantime, my hats and commendations are for the women who have gone through far more cycles that I and who have had the courage to continue on. My commendations are also for the men who stood with them, all the while knowing how interfering IVF can be with your sex life and emotions.

In future blogs I intend to cover off what it is like going through a stimulated IVF cycle.